With my summer semester in full swing, the coronavirus spiking in my state, riots everywhere, my dog’s declining health, and a million other things, it is easy to get stressed out. In response to my stress, I turned to a card I recieved at a 10K I ran on New Year’s Day. The card’s title: “101 Ways to Cope with Stress”. Each day I choose a few items to help ensure I am keeping myself less stressed. I have been doing this daily for about a week now. Before this point, I just thought the little card was something silly yet was unable to throw it out for some reason.

One such item on the card was “Buy Yourself a Flower”. That seemed simple enough. I thought it might be fun. I don’t receive flowers very often and I spend 8-10 hours a day at my kitchen table studying so it seems like an easy task that may liven up my home workstation. I marched into Publix, found the flowers, and looked around. There was no single flower available for purchase. Only bouquets. Some were $15 and some were more than that. I didn’t feel like it made sense to spend a huge sum on myself for no reason and I was told to buy “a” flower, not an entire bouquet. Suddenly, I saw them, an arrangement of bouquets for about $9 apiece. I looked at the beautiful bouquets. The flowers came with a vase unlike the more expensive arrangements. Not all arrangements included roses, an expensive flower, but many of these did. As I looked at these bouquets, I did notice they were not consistent. The types of flowers were different and the vase looked a bit like a little glass milk jug from the 1950s. One bouquet caught my eye. In it was a beautiful red rose, a happy sunflower, large hot pink carnations, small orangey carnations, a baby-girl-pink stargazer lily (plus two buds that were not yet open), and some vibrant purple flowers whose variety escape me. Nevertheless, all the flowers were beautiful in their short little vase. I then looked at the vase and saw a hot-air balloon floating through the clouds; on it were the words, “Hip Hip Hooray!” I looked again at the happy sunflower and romantic red rose and decided this was my bouquet. Pleased with myself I went home. I was happy with the flowers, the vase, and the smaller price tag. I also got more than “a flower”, but many.

As the days passed, the buds began to open revealing more flowers. Not only the lilies, but also more carnations I had missed. Color has been added to my kitchen table/desk. When my mom came to my house I showed her my flowers and told her that I spent less than $10 dollars on my little bouquet and what a good deal I thought it was compared to the other arrangements available. Looking at the bouquet, she also was impressed but also had an explanation as to why it was cheaper than I would have anticipated. They were rejects. These flowers, particularly the rose, were often meant to be long stem flowers. The sunflower as well was very short indeed. The carnations and Lilies had not bloomed in time to make it into the ‘better’ bouquets. These ‘late bloomers’ were rejects just like the rose with a broken stem. Perfectly beautiful flowers that were unsuitable for a wedding bouquet or funeral arrangement. Anniversary roses were taller, and those recovering from illness deserve something more elegant than a milk jug, don’t they?

How often in life do we feel like rejects? How often do we not make the cut? Are we ignored or tossed aside? – Maybe – but that does not mean all people will pass us by. Certainly God won’t. He looks at us, broken and late bloomers. He sees our potential. He sees a good future. He makes use for us all the same. Maybe we do not do what we thought we would do, but maybe what he has in mind was better.

While these flowers don’t have thoughts, for a moment I would like to personify them. While it would be great to decorate a bride’s bouquet, they would not be the main event – the bride would be. The bouquet would be loved and then thrown to another girl without another glance. After one evening, the flowers are forgotten, possibly even trashed as their new couple heads to a honeymoon. It is a glorious life, but a short one. Now, the flowers in my bouquet have a different fate. They may not have lots of admirers. They may not be looked at by everyone, but they are given more than a glance. Every single day, for hours, the beautiful little collection stands on my table. I water them and arrange them just so to see the bouquet at the nicest angle. I find great joy from them and they are all mine. I love them even though they are broken and not in full bloom. They are short and orange (who ever says “Hey, I am going to go get orange flowers?”). But they are mine. I would like to think God thinks of us that way.

God says, “I love her. She is broken, but that makes her all the more lovely. I am going to nurture her and tend to her every need. I will watch her every day. I will love her because she is mine and I find great happiness in her. She may not be perfect in the world’s eyes, but she is perfect to me. I will help her do great things she never dreamed were possible because I love her wholeheartedly. She may not be worthy, but I have redeemed her. She is mine, and I bought her because I love her.”

This is how I like to think God feels about all of us, just as I feel about the flowers.

Buy Yourself a Flower!!!!

Every year I try hard to focus my prayer in a new way. A few years ago I studied and prayed with all of the questions Jesus asks us in the gospels. There are 307 and one of which is “What do you want me to do for you?” This is the question Jesus asked Bartimaeus. This year I am praying with healing miracles and reading about saints that healed and how early Christianity is where the concept of the hospital was founded. Each month I meditate daily on a different healing miracle of Jesus’ and for June that is the healing of Bartimaeus.

This story has fascinated me since the beginning. Bartimaius can have two meanings because it is closely translated to Aramaic and also Greek. While he was a Jew and “Bar” means “son of”, there was significant Hellenistic ideas at this time and place and I think the double entendre is significant. Bartimaeus’ name means either, “Son of the honorable” or “Son of the unclean”.

While our modern, westernized lens looks at a blind person and usually comes to the assumption that the person has a medical issue, that was not the case in Jesus’ time. Bartimaeus would be considered “unclean” as this blindness (and result of being a beggar as well), meant the man was a sinner. An unclean person was denied access to the temple which essentially meant they were broken off from God. Yet, when we look at the other version of this name, it means “Son of the honorable”. Bartimaeus is also a child of God, the honorable. He has done no wrong to make him blind, he just is blind. It is neither him nor his parents that sinned. Jesus teaches us this of the sick and the lame. He very likely had a father that was a man of honor, maybe even prestige, in his town of Jericho, but it all came to nothing with his blindness and our inability to truly see. While Bartimaeus was the one that was blind, we all need to adjust our vision.

What I loved about this story so much years ago when I focused on the questions of Jesus was that Jesus comes and asks what he can do for us. I personally have a hard time asking God for things. I pray for others and I try to get closer to God, but seldom do I ask for things. When I do ask, they are for virtues, but almost never anything for myself. This story helps me remember that I can ask Jesus. While he already knows what I need and want; it is good to ask as it helps me recognize my dependence on Him. I need Jesus. I cannot do everything by myself. It is our duty to put our faith and trust in our creator and by asking him for things we get better at exercising our faith.

While I love to write, most of my days are spent with massive amounts of studying for nursing school. I have grown more accustomed to mnemonics and during a time of reflection today I thought up one for Bartimaeus. I would like to share it below, but perhaps it is a poem:

B Bartimaeus, the Blind Beggar, was

A Asked by Jesus, “What do you want me to do for you?”

R Restoration of sight was given immediately when he

T Told Jesus, “Master, I want to see.”

I Israel was the country of the

M Man granted a Miracle

A “Amazing!” the people Announced because he was Able-bodied Again

E Excited, Elated, Exuberant was he because

U Unafraid, he listened when they said, “Take courage, get up, he is calling you.”

S Salvation and Sight came to Jericho!

If I pick up a penny, or a quarter, or a dollar bill – any American money will do, I will see the words “In God We Trust”. This country was founded on religious freedom. Our American ancestors sailed across the ocean for weeks to a new, undeveloped, strange land in order to start fresh and free of religious oppression. Now, hundreds of years later (and two and half centuries since the American Experiment became a reality), we are facing another dire situation.

I feel oppression, but not exactly from the goverment. There is the coronavirus which causes oppression. Stores closed for weeks, schools were closes and online courses ensued. Hospitals and nursing homes were closed to all visitors, even during the death of a loved one. Friends stopped seeing friends. Even public celebration of the Eucharist was halted in all 50 states. The coronavirus caused us to hunker down, take cover, and be afraid of everything. We were taught that Jesus is stronger than anything and he saves us and forgives us, but we were barred access to Him and we were barred from reconciliation. Our religious freedom was squashed. So much for our ancestors!

We look forward. George Floyd was brutally murdered. Police have been charged, as they should be. It will pretty much be an open and shut case since there are many witnesses and videos. However, people are rioting. I am all for peaceful protests. If you want to stand with a sign and vent your anger and frustrations, well your first amendment rights are exercised by doing just that, but I am against rioting. We are not supposed to run around, light fire to police cruisers, break windows of shops, and attack police. Injustice is not healed by another injustice and looting is not the answer. George Floyd’s life was unfairly taken from him, but that does not mean taking from another innocent business owner is right. Even though stealing a good is not as much as stealing a life, a wrong cannot right another wrong, it doesn’t justify it either. Also, capitalism is not the cause of George Floyd’s death, so why are they decrying it? Defunding the police is called everywhere, but that will worsen the issue. Protesting is not rioting. What we are seeing across the country has gone too far.

With so many people unemployed from the coronavirus and so many not looting and rioting all across the country, the national guard has been called in. Police are injured as are some innocent civilians. The election is quickly approaching and that brings more fear. What will the people decide? What will the newly appointed politicians: local, state, and federal do in response to these threats? Even in the best case scenario, our future is scary.

What do we do?

“In God We Trust”. That’s what we have to do – Trust God.

Once, after seeing an old colleague he asked me how I was. I told him how my dad had died a few days before and my mom had just gone into remission from her cancer. A week before my mom was diagnosed with cancer, I started nursing school and made the decision to quit my well-paying career and waitress just for enough money for school. With everything hanging in the balance and caring for both parents, my mom asked me to quit to take better care of her. I quit for what was going to be a couple of months until her chemo and surgery were over. As soon as that happened, my dad died. Two weeks after his funeral the lockdown started. My colleague asked me, “What did you learn from all of this?” I was confused by his question and thought a moment and I said to him. “Trust God” No matter how dark it got, I explained, I have to just put my faith and trust in God and know He will see me through.

I have faced dark times in my life, but never before in my lifetime has the state of the country looked so bleak as it does now. What can we do with all of this? “In God We Trust.” It says so right on the money and that is what we need to do. Trust God in all things, even with the country the way it is. We have to trust because it is too much for any one person to completely control or fix. While we all can make a difference, only all of us together acting with the aid of the Holy Spirit can truly come together for good.

Alone, we can’t fix it all, but if we trust in God and do our part as he wills us to do, then maybe we all have a real chance.

I was writing in my journal today, and as usual, my patience was wearing thin. Suddenly, I thought of the Byrds’ song “Turn! Turn! Turn!” which is essentially the following bible quote.

There is an appointed time for everything, and a time for every affair under the heavens. A time to give birth, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to uproot the plant. A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to tear down, and a time to build. A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones, and a time to gather them; a time to embrace, and a time to be far from embraces. A time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away. A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to be silent, and a time to speak. A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

I realized that as the Byrds and King Solomon before him astutely pointed out, certain things will not occur until it is their time. God has a plan and only when I get onboard with it will it come to fruition.

As I thought today, I thought of how I am ready for the coronavirus pandemic and lockdown to be over. As Solomon warns, there is “a time to embrace”, but also “a time to be far from embraces.” For whatever reason, this virus is causing the world havoc. While God does not cause illness or evil, he does allow it to happen. There are some lessons we need to learn. Some of those lessons, which are unique and as varied as there are people on the planet, are being learned right now because of this pandemic.

I am so anxious to graduate already. I want to be finished with nursing school and start my new career already. However, there is “A time to build” and I need to build on my knowledge before I can “tear down” my experience/situation of being a student. In God’s time, which will come soon enough, I will graduate.

I really want to move to a new state which I plan to do after graduation. Perhaps there are things God needs me to do here still. My dad recently died and my mom and I live nearby. As we adjust, we are together a lot. Perhaps God wants us to mourn this together. This is “a time to mourn” and the excitement of moving will come again in a time when we are not mourning.

I am ready to be in a relationship and be married. I have found someone, but I am not quite there yet. Solomon says there is “a time to love.” Perhaps my long-distance boyfriend and I can learn more about each other from afar. Maybe it prevents us from rushing into things. Maybe the distance and time until living nearby gives us each a chance to fix things within ourselves before we are finally read to be “all in”. There is “a time to plant”, “a time to laugh”, and “a time to dance”. We will have all of these times very soon.

I don’t know why God wants me to wait. I suppose it might be a big exercise in learning patience – an important virtue I lack. God knows what is best for me. God knows what is best for my family. God knows what is best for my love interest. There are ways to get what I want sooner. I could quit school and move. I could forget about finding love and only focus on my nursing school and future career. I could transfer to a new nursing school in another city. There are ways that I can get what I want sooner. God did give me free will, but God still has his hands in my life. I let him. I want God to be my captain. Yet, when God is my captain and steering my far away, I like to complain that he is delaying my arrival even when he could be saving me from a terrible storm. God asks me to wait. There is a season and I must wait. All things will come. Why waiting is necessary is not known to me at this time, but that does not mean that waiting is a waste or unimportant. God wants me to wait.

Whatever the reason, there is a season – Turn! Turn! Turn!

It’s lockdown – STILL.

While some states, even my own, are opening things up, it is a staggered approach, people are afraid, and friends don’t want to go out with you even if there is no reason they are not allowed. It is time to be alone, though you may not want to. Never fear though, I have a few saints to turn to.

St. Hildegard of Bingen – Why Hildegard, you might wonder. Or, “Who is that?” many might ask. Hildegard was placed under the care of Jutta, an anchoress, when she was only 8 years old. Renowned in spiritual direction, writing, music, prayer, and mysticism, this German lady never left her walled off part of the church where she lived her life.

Padre Pio – This modern stigmatist was persecuted throughout his life. At times he was forbidden from saying public mass and hearing confessions. Living life as a monk, this poor priest was often shut off from the world he lived to serve. Like us, he knows what isolation is.

Simeon Stylites – This saint celebrated in the east and west was an ascetic. He spent much of his time atop a pillar away from others. Local boys would bring food to him, where he prayed from his perch. I have heard of a couple saints on pillars, but it always fascinates me because I can’t imagine doing that myself. I would be afraid to fall asleep but also incapable of staying awake. I could make it a few hours, perhaps, but no longer. I don’t really know why going up high makes them feel closer to go, unless they literally feel closer, but what works for them is what matters.

St. Paul – We all know about Paul. He persecuted Christians and oversaw Stephen’s martyrdom. He met Jesus on the road to Damascus and was blinded for three days. He preached the gospels to the gentiles and he was eventually martyred for the cause he initially hated. But, before this martyrdom, the prolific new testament writer spend much time in jail, awaiting his execution. Paul knew what it was to be alone, but he never lost faith in Jesus, even when his cell was dark, food was scarce, and christians were brutalized everywhere.

Mother Teresa – Truly one of my favorites, Mother Teresa is “A Saint of Darkness”. For most of her life, essentially all of it when in the slums of Calcutta, Mother Teresa did not feel the presence of Jesus in her life. She was always lonely, but never alone. Day in and day out, she served the sick and dying. Plucking the ill from the gutter, she escorted even the dirtist untouchables to her hospices. She embraced orphans, and prayed for non-Christians as her brothers and sisters. All of this, but she did not feel Jesus in her life. How alone to not feel Jesus, but it was this loneliness that allowed her to empathize with the dying and destitute she encountered.

Martin de Porres – Abandoned by his father as a child, Martin grew up in a society where he was always an outsider. Because he was mixed-race, Martin was never fully accepted anywhere and he had to be a brother, not a priest, in the Dominican Order. Despite how the world saw him, Martin was a healer to many, he was a great friend of Rose of Lima, another saint, and seemed to know miraculous things and work miracles and talk to animals. While the world did not accept him, it is clear Jesus did.

Above are a number of saints from a number of places and time periods. There are men and women. All were alone in some way or another, but all were loved by God. We are alone right now, during lockdown, but God still loves us. We can learn to succeed and spread our gifts like Hildegard. We can pray for others like Martin, and we can help the sick like Mother Teresa. We can still do things to serve our God and our brothers and sisters, but the question is: ARE WE?

It’s lockdown. We might feel abandoned, but we are not. What can we do for others at this time when so many are sick, jobless, lonely, depressed, poor, homeless, etc? God gave us all a mission and some of that mission must be fulfilled during lockdown. Are we doing our part? Turn to these saints and ask for help in discerning your next step.

There are three important M’s for us all to think about at this time – May, Mothers, and Mary. May, of course, is the time we think of these. May is the month of Mary and it is also the month that holds Mother’s Day. I am never sure if it is Mother’s Day or Mothers’ Day (note the apostrophe). It does make quite a difference really. One is where you celebrate all mothers and the other is where you celebrate only your mother. Either way, I think both can be correct.

When we think of our mother, we think of the woman that raised us. Usually, this the woman that gave birth to us. It may imply another woman such as the one that adopted us, or even an aunt or grandma that raised us. I think it is good to think of these women, regardless of biological status as the relationship is what is truly important. But the truth is, that every one of us has two mothers – our own personal mother and the Virgin Mary.

When Jesus was dying on the cross, he gave his mother to John the Beloved. At this time, he was entrusted to her and she to him. By extension, Jesus gave Mary to the whole world. Jesus is the Son of God the Father and we are all his children, so Mary is our mother, too, by adoption.

Always, but especially during May, we need to remember Mary and remember our own mother on Mother’s Day. These women hold important places in our lives and it is no wonder that Mary’s month coincides with the month of honor for our personal mothers.

There are many ways to remember these woman, but it would be particularly special to pray to Mary for our own mother. What does she need? How can I care for her? How do I show her the thanks she deserves? Am I a good and honorable child or do I have some work to do? Do I spend enough time with her? Am I patient when she gets on my nerves and what can I do to be better? Who better than to help us than God’s own mother? It is no coincidence Mother’s Day falls in the Month of Mary and our Blessed Mother can surely help us to be better children to our personal mother.

During this month of May, I will thank God and Mary for my own mother, for there are so many things she has done for me that I can’t make a list. Mary will remember them all and she will help me if I ask.

I was speaking to a friend the other day. He was worried about something that is not only highly unlikely, but also far off into the future on the off chance it were to occur. It’s like Padre Pio said, “Pray, Hope, and Don’t Worry”. I explained what I meant and we talked a while about Padre Pio. This saint is always intriguing to me because my pastor during my childhood talked about his great friend about to be beatified. His great friend was none other than Padre Pio.

Two days later I got into the car. I was thinking about a big decision I had just made. It was bold and daring, unconventional and exciting. It was fantastic and also a little quixotic in this time of Coronavirus. As I turned the key in the ignition, Sirius XM’s Catholic Channel was on and the radio host’s very first words that came to my ears were, “Pray, Hope, and Don’t Worry.” Those very words I quote just a couple days earlier were now being told to me.

For all decisions, whether they are popular or not, we must follow these three guides. They seem to go together very well and are very useful to people such as me that are worriers. Perhaps that is why Padre Pio is the patron saint of stress relief.

Pray – this is useful in many ways. It is not only a duty, but also a privilege to be able to speak to our creator any time, day or night! How many other friends and acquaintances are always eager to listen? Not only is it good to share our problems with God, but it is also like meditation. Praying helps with the “Don’t Worry” order.

Hope – too often in this world people give up on their dreams before they even start. We must hope in heaven and hope in God. He will not disappoint us. We should hope in our endeavors and if we come to them with the useful prayer of the first step, than surely they should succeed provided they are in God’s will.

Don’t Worry – If we are praying and hoping for the best, along with our own elbow grease, then there really is nothing else we can do. Therefore, we shouldn’t worry. Even Jesus asks us, “Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life span?” (Matthew 6:28). The answer, obviously, is no, you cannot and the point Jesus was trying to make was since it does you no good, don’t bother. Besides, he tells us, God knows what we need and will provide. Our worry is fruitless and really goes against hoping.

These three orders all go together so nicely. While Fr. John was a link between Padre Pio and I, the saint was dead before I was born. Because of this, I can’t know for sure, but I would imagine this famous quote was spoken many times by the priest in spiritual direction. It is reasonable for me to assume that if Padre Pio were here today, he would look at me and say, “Pray, Hope, and Don’t Worry.”

As I look to the weeks ahead, I have Padre Pio as my guide telling me “Pray, Hope, and Don’t Worry.” Being a saint, he was close to Jesus, so surely this is good advice for me to follow.

Ten years ago I was a teenager reading Paulo Coelho’s The Alchemist for the first time. The story mesmerized me. It was so simple and yet, paradoxically, so elegant. The boy shepherd dreamed of finding a treasure and traveled the world to where it was to learn it was buried just where he started. Despite that, the things he learned and saw along the way made the unnecessary journey incredibly worthwhile.

As I ran the other day, I began listening to the story on an audio file. Ten years had passed and though I remembered I like the book, I was amazed at how very little I actually remembered. Sure, the story’s meaning was different to me. I am a different person than I was ten years ago. No one can travel a whole decade without changing. The boy traveled less than that in the book and he changed dramatically. Some parts of the story still had a profound effect on me.

Unlike last time, when hearing the story again all these years later, I realize that the boy is the Alchemist named in the title. Though he meets a man that is an alchemist and another wanting to become one, it is this boy that is the one that works magic through his knowledge of God and his world. He learns that a smile passed from one person to the next is a universal language. He learns that treasure is not always silver and gold. The boy learns that you can leave something behind, such as his sheep, but you don’t have to forget about them. He learns people all around are there to help you and may even sent by God. After all, we sometimes do, as the proverb says, entertain angels in disguise.

As I think of the book, I realize I am bit of an alchemist. Like the boy I am getting ready for a new adventure. A move to a new city and a job I have never had. I follow what God wants and try to discover his will for my life, or as the story calls it, my “personal legend.” I realize, after this read of the book that I cannot forget about my first 28 years of life, or the place where I grew up or the lessons I learned. Some people I may never see again. Some I will reunite with. All have played a part in my story. Some good, some bad.

Unlike the last time I read the book, I understood far more of the biblical references. I realized the “king” was God, as he helped Abraham. I understood who “Joseph in Egypt” was. I thought about how Jesus is the Good Shepherd and he too traveled around like the shepherd boy, learning to speak with love and a smile.

I realized that my “personal legend” is not to travel to Egypt or find a chest of gold, but it is to travel. It is to love. It is to remember my past and use it for a better future. Like the boy, I should help others along the way, too. He helped the Englishman and the Crystal Salesman. He told the leaders of the Oasis about his important dream. He gave the gift of love to the Fatima and he followed the plan God set out for him. Just like the boy, I must find what God is asking for me in my “personal legend” and I must work my hardest to follow that path. If I am on the path, then, as the book taught, “The whole universe will conspire to help me.”

So, what did I learn from the book? – Follow God’s plans for your life and amazing things, greater than your wildest dreams will occur!

It’s been a long time since my last blog. Life has been busy with my mom’s cancer and dad’s death. There have been many changes in nursing school and trying to continue to lose weight, keep my house up, take care of my dog, Maddie, read, write, etc., makes it difficult at times to blog. When the lockdown of coronavirus came I found myself stuck at home all the time which is incredibly different than the last months where I have stayed with parents to help them out and went to school and across the upstate to different locations for clinicals. Though there were exams to take, I have a semester break for now and feel that I must fill my time with something. Back to writing! I thought, but what should I about? – Mother Teresa!

Over lent I read a devotional about Mother Teresa and how to live lent with her charism of caring for others. I am fairly certain I am not called to comfort the dying in the slums of Calcutta, but I am called to be a nurse. I am called to aid others in any way I can help, and I am called to follow Christ in his Church. Therefore, Mother Teresa is a good person to model. Follow that with the fact that I can still remember watching her on TV all those years ago and my fascination with the little old lady in her white dress and my memory provokes me to remember this saint in ways unparalleled by all with the exception of John Paul II.

As I think of Mother Teresa, I draw pictures of her. I research quotes of hers. I have read Come Be My Light. She truly was a saint. Yet, she was also very human.

We sometimes forget the humanness of the saints. Centuries of honor builds them into heroic legends whose lives cannot be emulated. However, that is not exactly how it is. They are heroic and deserving of honor, but many of their actions can be emulated. No one can precisely copy the life of a saint because every person is unique, but these are all people with sins and foibles. It is there ability to overcome that and follow Christ that makes them saints.

I look to Mother Teresa. Her goodness precedes her. She was often disorganized and always running out of money. She made some rash judgments when she was as teacher and would sacrifice the safety and food of those in her school in order to help the poor. She needed others to look after her books for the Missionaries of Charity. She was no business woman. She was not a great protector of her pupils, though she was well-loved. Looking deeper, Mother Teresa faced a great darkness in her spiritual life. For nearly all of her life in the slums, she felt God was absent. She was alone caring for the sick in a dark, dirty, dismal place. While the Dark Nights of the Senses and Soul are very real, her Dark Night is the longest ever recorded. Despite the love she gave the and cheer of God she spread, she herself felt empty and abandoned.

We know how it is to feel empty and abandoned. Right now, we are all on lockdown from the coronavirus. My personal situation means that I see almost no one. Only my mom, but no other family. No work, no school, no clinicals – nothing. The hardest thing is the lack of mass. Before lockdown, I attended mass every weekend and went to daily mass two times a week. Now, my opportunities are few and far between (I am fortunate, however, to have been a lector on a couple occasions). Many others have not received any sacraments at all. Even with the the few I have received, I sometimes feel lost or abandoned. God doesn’t feel present in my life the way he once did. I go to the church and it feels empty. The lamp of the sanctuary is lit, but I feel alone from Jesus and am usually alone from other parishioners. I sit in the empty church to pray. Harkening back to my lenten devotional, I remember Mother Teresa. She felt alone, but her feeling of abandonment helped her to relate to the poor she served. Feeling far from God, she argued, enabled her to empathize with those in the slums that felt far from everyone. There were “untouchables” in the Indian society, but she showed them loving kindness. Though God felt distant to her, she brought God to others. She did this her entire life.

While we might feel distant from God, he has not abandoned us. We know that love is a choice. Mother Teresa chose love and we should to. But what does that mean? Well, there is a great teacher named St. Paul of Tarsus. I like to take it from him. In his first letter to the Corinthians he said:

Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, love is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude is does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

I once heard that it is very important to read this verse. Each time you see the words “love” or “it” you should replace them with your name. When the sentence remains true, you are doing a good job. When it is not very truthful, you have work to do. It is not, in my opinion, so terrible if you are not perfect, what is bad is if you are not trying to be. Making mistakes is fine as long as you strive to do better. Mother Teresa showed love to those in the slums. Each day she tried. Did she mess up – absolutely. She is not Jesus, but she did better all the time. We can, too.

Ask yourself, Am I patient? Am I kind. Do I steer clear from jealousy? Am I pompous or inflated, thinking or acting that I am better than others? Am I rude, acting flippantly towards others by only seeking my own interests? Do I have a quick-temper? Patience is a virtue, I must remember that. Do I brood when others hurt me, or do I forgive them? What about when others do wrong? Do I rejoice in this because they ‘get by’ with something or aid me in my misgivings, or do I celebrate what is truthful, right, and just? When another hurts me, do I bear it with patience and forgiveness? Do I believe in goodness of others and their goals and accomplishments? Do hope in good for others and myself? Do I endure hardships and follow Christ in spite of difficulties coming from others or situations in my life beyond my control? If I answered favorably to these questions, then I can rest assured because I know that love never fails.

Love never fails, and that is why Mother Teresa is a saint. We must remember that. While we are on this lockdown, and even after society reopens again, we must learn to love others and ourselves, and most importantly, God. Keeping love in our lives even when we face dark times will bring us on the path of sainthood. While this path is hard and Christ warns us it is narrow, He will help us find it. He also gave us others, like Mother Teresa, to lead the way. Regardless of how you are feeling in this lockdown, keep the faith and remain in love. It never fails, and if you succeed in love, than you will succeed on the path to heaven.

It’s a week into October. This is both very easy and very difficult for me to believe. Only a couple of days ago did it stop reaching 100 degrees. The new weather, while still into the 80s, is much more tolerable. However, it seemed like we were in an interminable summer and the abrupt change is strange. On the other hand, emotionally, it feels like October. There is a strange dichotomy to this month.

Of all the months out of the year, for me personally, October is the most mutable. More often than not, it seems like deaths and births occur this month. People get sick in this month in my family. Other times October comes with midterms and years ago it was always the height of my marching band season. The weather starts off warm and short sleeves and even shorts suffice. By the end, jeans and even a jacket are required. Pool parties and gatherings on the lake nearby go well into September. Despite that, Christmas decorations bedeck the stores and everyone buzzes around the mall in November. Though Autumn is a full three months on the calendar, it often seems like it all happens in just one month. All of fall is squeezed into just 31 days.

With the changes in the season as well as the push to start Christmas right after bathing suits leave the shopping aisles, the consumerism tries to take hold. I want to remember God, but sometimes the stress takes hold of me. It gets the better of me. That is how I have been the last few days. As I look at the calendar, I even want to blame the word, “October.” On one hand, it is true that there are a lot of changes in this month, but on the other hand, I must also take responsibility for myself. God is in control, but he wants me to play a part. God is my pilot, but he did make me a co-pilot. His Holy Spirit dwells within me to help me live and grow into the person He wants me to be. This is a constant growth that happens with every decision I make. God lets us experience “Octobers” in order to learn more about how to listen to his voice. He guides us and we follow him.

I am still learning how to follow God. I am no expert. Sometimes I do wonderfully, but often I am quite stubborn and want to rule my life. I want to be the pilot, but I am not. I am the co-pilot. In addition to His Holy Spirit, God also gave us his word; and there is a psalm that many people know and love. Psalm 23. I personally like to reflect on this psalm after receiving communion, but it is useful to reflect on it other times as well. In this psalm, we remember that even when we walk through “dark valleys” (or Octobers), God is with us. The psalm then states, “Your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” I used to never understand that verse. It seemed like it was redundant. Why a rod and a staff? I used to ask myself. How can a rod give comfort? I wondered. But after much reading reflection I realize that like a shepherd, God uses a rod and a staff. We are protected in two ways. First, there is the rod. When animals try to attack a shepherd’s flock, the shepherd will use his rod to scare away the predator. Like a shepherd, God is protecting us from the things that try to hurt us. Next is the shepherd’s staff. The staff comforts David as he writes this psalm, but how? If a sheep wanders from its flock, it liable to slide down a mountain or fall into water. Its fleece can weigh the animal down and it cannot rescue itself. The shepherd will come it, secure the staff around the sheep’s neck and pull it to safety. So it is with God. When we stray, he seeks us. God doesn’t just say I will keep you out of harm’s way, but he recognizes sometimes we are our own worst enemies and he rescues us from ourselves. Like the helpless sheep, we must depend on our God who is always there for us.

As we walk through the dark October valleys, we must remember God is there watching out for us. He protects us from harm, even when we cause our own undoing. We cannot help that life throws a lot at us. In the midst of this crazy month, I must remember to pray with psalm 23. I am a sheep and God is my shepherd, my pilot. As his co-pilot, it is my responsibility to listen to Him and remember his words. There are many changes in our lives, but with God, all of these changes can turn out okay, even if the valley doesn’t seem it can get any darker, but we must remember where we sit in the cockpit.