The Latin word “vocare” means “to call”. That is how the word Vocation came to mean a call from God. In my Catholic world, vocation means almost exclusively the call to marriage or religious life. Usually when Catholics hear it, they think of a young man becoming a priest or perhaps a young woman becoming a sister, but we seldom think of this as a profession.
On the other hand, we hear about “vocations” in technical schools and community c0lleges. We hear about “Voc-rehab” to help poverty stricken individuals get back on their feet and learn to be independent through training for a career.
I believe I have a vocation, but it is neither of these – not completely. However, I do believe it has elements of both. Three weeks ago, I started nursing school. I have been gearing up for this for almost a year now. I took prerequisites in Anatomy and Physiology. I sat for the TEAS test offered by ATI. I spoke to nurses and I looked into career options for down the road. Now as I begin school, this career change is no longer a thought, but a reality. It is also more than just a career change.
There are defining moments in my life that God made clear that this is what He wanted of me, but there is no defining moment as to when he started calling me to nursing. As a child, I always wanted to be a vet which as a teenager morphed into medical research on people, not animals. I was thoroughly fascinated with all things medical. A brain tumor at the age of 17 made me swear of hospitals, or so I thought.
In my late teens and early twenties, I found myself caring for my father and grandparents. I was further convinced that I did not want to take care of people. I realize now that I was just not mature enough then for it, but I have grown since then and enjoy helping people. I feel called to relieve the suffering. I want to make others feel better both physically and emotionally. I have had so much exposure to the medical system as a patient, family member, and hospital worker.
A few years after college, I found myself working for a hospital in IT despite my protests claiming “anything but a hospital”. While I loved my new job, it was only a couple of weeks working with the RNs (that were in IT) that I said to myself, “I wish I had majored in nursing” and “Why do they do this, when they can do that?” More time passed and I pushed away these feelings. Sometimes I thought about going back to school to pursue nursing, but that seemed crazy. I like my job. I had a degree. I made good money. Everything in my life looked good from the outside.
Time passed. My job changed. I started volunteering for NAMI and really loved leading support groups for people with mental illness. I thought, “I wish I could do this as my job”. God was calling me to help others more. Meanwhile, what did I do? I worked on computers and never felt that I helped others.
One day, I grew sick. I thought I needed surgery. 4 doctors said I did. It was bad. I was healed by what I feel was no less than a miracle. This is a story for another day. Out from my healing, I read, and reread Psalm 116, a psalm about recovering from illness and thanking God for that recovery. Twice, the psalm says, “I will pay my vows to the Lord in the presence of all his people.” What were my vows? I didn’t understand. Did God want me to be a sister – I hoped not. That just didn’t feel like me. What did God want? Though “nagging” has a bad connotation and God is always good, He was nagging me all the time with Psalm 116.
I felt very drawn to Louis de Montfort’s consecration to Mary. After much discernment, I made the consecration on November 21, the Feast of the Presentation of Mary. It was the right decision – this I am certain. At first, I thought that this was also the “vow” God was asking of me. Later that day, I sat in the hospital’s auditorium for the quarterly report from our President and CEO. He told of the perks that were being made for the nurses. Some people moaned as they felt they were getting a raw deal as they were not nurses. “If you want to be a nurse, you can do that, too” our CEO told us. I sat in my chair stunned. It was permission to become a nurse. “Okay, I thought. I am going to go to nursing school. I will be a nurse, too.” It was not for the perks he had described, but it was to answer the call that had been nagging me forever. I continued to read Psalm 116 daily. The psalm would not stop haunting me. That same Thanksgiving/Advent season I enrolled in the prerequisite courses at the local technical school. “Just in case I want to be a nurse” I said. My clandestine night courses proceeded for two semesters. I worked full time, hiding my plans for a long time as I went to school at night. Soon, I would start nursing school.
Just before I was accepted to the program, I went on a retreat. I spoke with the sister in spiritual direction and told her a great many things about God’s call for me to be a nurse. I didn’t know if this was the right decision. I wanted to do it, but I was also scared. It would mean leaving a high salary despite my mortgage and car, it meant starting college again, it meant admitting to the world I didn’t have it all figured out because I needed to retrain for a new career, it meant accepting help from my parents though I loved being independent. It meant not using a degree and several certifications I worked hard for. It was all a huge leap of faith to leave a “great” life for school that did not guarantee I would love the career that I got from my new degree. The sister advised me to pray for peace. God would let me know what to do she assured me. The following Monday. My acceptance email arrived. I accepted my seat. For the first time in 18 months, I did not run through psalm 116 in my head multiple times a day. It was the peace the sister spoke of. My “vows”, or perhaps the Nightingale Pledge, were what the psalm said I would pay to the Lord in the presence of all his people.
Though peace came, so did more hardship. The journey through nursing school is only just beginning, but so far, I am the happiest I have been in over a year.
I have a vocation. I have vows to the Lord that I will make in the Nightingale Pledge. I will renew these vows every single day as a nurse, just not in a formal ceremony. They are not religious vows, but they do contain a spiritual element and are made to God and to his people. I will care for the sick. I will help where I can. I will try my hardest to relieve suffering and give comfort to the dying. It is a beautiful thing, but it is also scary. But, that is my vocation. It is not necessarily a choice, but a call. I am happy for that call, but the degree I seek and the profession I will hold is very different than the first time around.
Canticles of Katherine 